I was married for 32 years. With the exception of the first few “honeymoon” years, I’d have to say the last seven were the best.
In a relationship, we tend to get complacent with each other. So why were those last seven years the best of my marriage?
“All was right with the world” when Mike was fishing.
Shortly before the last seven, I had told Mike we could get attorneys, or we could find a counselor fully expecting him to say let’s get the attorneys. When he didn’t, I put him to the task of finding a counselor then I took over because he had talked to someone we had seen in the past and he had moved out of the area. I had also begun a more in-depth journey of personal exploration.
There was a moment in our marriage that had the possibility of breaking it forever. The steps I took at that point saved it. Mostly, I listened.
We did more things together and when he talked, I listened. Even if it didn’t interest me. And when I listened to him, he listened to me more. We had conversations.
Then he got sick and we spent even more time together. In that time, we traveled over 57,000 miles and spent many hours together not only in the Jeep but in hospital rooms, hotel rooms, etc. The situation could have gotten unbearably tense. Although there were tensions, they weren’t as bad as they would have been before.
Mike with a salmon he caught in Washington. A memory made in the last 7 years.
Two-and-a-half years before he died, I started the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method program. I learned more about myself, others, and relationships than I could have imagined. I remember one time we were arguing at home and he said something that shocked and hurt me. Then I realized he was projecting something he had done back to me it really had nothing to do with me.
I also began seeing the ways he showed me he loved me. He never was one to do grand romantic gestures. Instead, he tolerated the things I wanted to do. His way to show his support was to make sure I was able to go to horse shows, go back to school, and go to the EGCM Cores that I had scheduled.
While I was at one Core, he had our youngest son take him to the ER in Colby. He sent him home to get the supplies he needed because they were keeping him in the hospital and sent him home to stay with my parents. He was only 15 and only had a restricted license. He gave everyone strict instructions not to call and interrupt me, there was nothing I could do anyway.
Another time when they were bringing him back to his room after a test at the hospital the attendant asked about me. Mike’s response was something about that I took good care of him.
This was brought out even more after he died and at least three people told me that he had told them he was proud of me. This is not something he would have said to me easily. It was nice to hear even if it was from someone else.
Reinventing myself at a Hope Held by a Horse event. Photo by Ida Ridgeway
Being single for the last two-and-a-half years I’ve been working on my relationship with myself. I got married when I was 22 and I didn’t really have an understanding of who I was as a person. I’m not sure if I would have that I would have chosen to marry Mike. I do know that everything in my life has created the person that I am now and I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful that the last years of our relationship were better than those middle years. The gift in that is that I can look back and smile and remember all the good times.
In relationships, whether with yourself or with someone else, it helps to know yourself better. It helps to know how others communicate. To know that what they say is a reflection on them and not on you.
If you’d like to learn more about yourself join me in the Getting to Know Yourself Series where we’ll explore who you are and how you can show up as your best self in any situation. For more information click here.
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Onward!
