Mike fishing in Washington. He was truly in the moment.
No one wants to talk about it or your loved one. It’s as if doing so would send you into a tailspin of grief.
Anyone who has experienced the passing of a loved one can tell you that’s not the case. Yes, talking about a person you are grieving over will bring up memories. Some of those may be sad. Others may not.
I have a picture of Mike that is a memory from a fishing trip we took to Washington. We made a lot of great memories on that trip. Mostly when I see it, I smile. Sometimes I get sad because he’s not here with me. The good moments always outweigh the not-so-good.
Mike was an avid fisherman. In June of 2017, he wanted to go to a lake in Nebraska and fish for Muskie, a fish that isn’t found this far south. He had a friend who was going there for a week, and he wanted to join him. At the time he had a wound vac and was in wound care three times a week. I also had a Touched By A Horse® Core that week. It was a rare Monday – Thursday Core so I told him if he wanted, I would go with him up there so he could fish.
He went to wound care on Friday morning, and we loaded up to start the drive. We got there in time to eat dinner with his friend. On Saturday I drove him to the boat launch and saw him off. I went to town for breakfast and looked around. Then I went back to the cabin and spent the day there. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to go out on the boat to take pictures and I’m grateful I went.
The same for my dad. I was surprised at how much loss I felt when he died. It was less than two years after Mike. It was also more sudden as he had known about the cancer for about two months. And from what he said it sounded serious. When my mom had me come in after surgery to talk with the doctor, he said that treatment might prolong his life. He didn’t get to the medical oncology phase.
I like to be reminded of my time with Mike, my dad, and my grandpa even though I may get sad that they’re not here to make more memories. I appreciate hearing a story about them that I haven’t heard before or even ones I have. Please tell me if you have one.
It may be uncomfortable for you when I grieve in front of you. Please know it’s uncomfortable for me as well. All I ask is that you don’t make it more awkward by saying something like: You should be over this by now or cheer up and whatever phrase you’d like to attach to that. These things don’t help. If you’re alone with me in my grief. You don’t need to say anything your being there is enough. Ask before touching me – I may not want a hug or a hand on my shoulder right now. If we’re in a group, ask if I would like to go somewhere more private. No matter what my response don’t push me to stop. I need to finish my process – it won’t take long.
Charles Socolofsky with Raise A Secret, a stallion that he raised.
In early 2024 I’m offering a safe and sacred space for you to explore your grief with others who are grieving as well. A place where you can say anything and be listened to. A. place where you can learn about yourself and belong. No matter where you are in your stage of grief it feels better to be around people who understand. Schedule an exploratory Zoom to see if it’s a good fit for you by clicking the button below.
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Onward!
