I’ve mentioned before that Mike and my relationship was far from perfect. I held a lot of resentment for the choices that I made against him. I didn’t feel like he spent the time at home with me and the kids that he should. I believe he didn’t feel like he supported me financially up to the standards I had grown up with.
One particularly trying day for me, he came home, and I told him I was going riding and left in a huff. I had no plan for dinner, I just left. I went out to ride and came back expecting to be put in the position of figuring out dinner. Much to my surprise he had taken our two boys (about 5 and 2) to the grocery store, had gotten the ingredients for lasagna, had made it, and it was almost ready to come out of the oven. So much for being mad at him then, what a nice surprise.
We both had parents who never divorced. I don’t know what his house was like when he was growing up. In mine, my parents regularly embarrassed us by kissing in public. Although I’m sure their relationship had its share of strife we rarely knew. They were married for 62 years. Both sets of my grandparents were married for over 50 years. Again, I’m sure there were tense moments we didn’t see them.
Being in a relationship with anyone is stressful. We all have expectations that we feel the other doesn’t meet. They have expectations that we don’t meet. This leads to disappointment on both sides.
At one point I remember discovering how much easier it was to ask Mike for what I wanted than to expect him to know. We were different people; he couldn’t read my mind. Even after that, I held him up to those expectations. Then I’d realize what I was doing and ask.
When I went back to school, I studied communications. When we communicate with another person there is a lot of noise. This is everything that is going on in their life at that moment and may include sound, distractions, and the like. We also each have filters that every piece of communication has to pass through. The language our family used may have been different from that of the person we are talking to.
Then there are personality differences. One may be an introvert, the other an extravert. One may be intuitive while the other is more focused on facts. One may feel things and the other thinks about things. One may organize things in a certain way and the other is more spontaneous. These all lead to communication differences.
Photo courtesy Richard Ohmart
I was amazed when shortly before Mike was diagnosed with the auto-immune disease how my listening to what he was saying and responding made a huge difference in our relationship. We were on the brink of separation then we weren’t.
I remember when my dad had his accident how in awe I was of my mother and how she stayed by his side. I didn’t think I would be able to do that with Mike. Then mom was amazed by how I handled five-and-a-half years of caregiving for Mike. I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to had it happened a few years earlier.
After three years of caregiving, I started the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method program and learned much more about myself. This helped put me in the best place I could be emotionally for a diagnosis of breast cancer, losing Mike, and losing my dad.
Do you have relationship struggles? Would you like to see how the horses and Gestalt can improve all of your relationships? Connect with me here.
Listen – it helps for someone to feel like they’re being heard.
Make a Connection in the comments below.
Onward!
