Thirty-five years ago, on the first Saturday in May, I walked down the aisle to be married. Little did I know where that short walk would take me. First for those of you who follow it the first Saturday in May is Kentucky Derby day. How could someone who loved watching the Derby plan her wedding on that day?
I had other considerations with the start of being a farm/ranch wife. Calving season was coming to a close. It had been a rough one as Mike and his dad lost many calves as well as cows that season due to problems calving. Spring planting would start soon. I was able to fit a wedding and honeymoon in between. The race could be taped and watched later.
We had many seasons to move through in our lives. First, we lived at the farm. Then we moved a few miles away to some land that they had leased for many years. There was a large pasture that I loved riding in. Then we moved 45 miles south to my grandfather’s place to help him. After his death only two months later, the birth of our first son, and almost a year of being frustrated by my family we moved back to Oakley. Mike’s dad had sold all the cows so at that point there was only the farm income.
Farming is an interesting lifestyle. During times like planting, harvest, and calving all life stops. It doesn’t matter what else is happening the work comes first. I was used to this because my dad had been the only doctor in the county for many years while I was growing up. Still, it caused stress in our marriage. After all these weren’t potentially life and death situations.
We had purchased some land shortly after we were married, and it didn’t make any sense for us not to have cattle so Mike purchased 24 head of bred cows and restarted our cow herd. We lived in town so that meant frequent trips to the farm six miles away during calving season.
We had two more sons, I went back to school, our two oldest sons graduated from high school. Then came the defining point in our marriage. In August of 2012 dad diagnosed Mike with a sinus infection. Then in October the nurse practitioner that he saw diagnosed him with another one. On January 1st he thought he got something in his eye and couldn’t see to make it back from the farm. He got in to see the optometrist the next day and saw his nurse practitioner intermittently until the last Friday in January when she said he would need to go to Hays they had used up all their resources.
We went to the middle school and told our youngest we were leaving town and arranged for someone to take him home after school. I drove Mike to the hospital in Hays where they admitted him. This is when my journey as a caregiver started.
The next day he was diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disease. They had him on steroids and antibiotics and he was in the hospital until Sunday. I know people who’ve managed auto-immune diseases for years, we can manage this. Little did I know what the following years would bring.
So, as I’m here in this cabin on a friend’s ranch on what would have been my 35th wedding anniversary I’m thinking of my strategy for dealing with my anniversary the last three years. I’ve founds things to distract me as I have done with many of the feelings in my life. If I’m distracted, I won’t think about it as much and I won’t feel as much.
The last wedding anniversary we celebrated together he was unable to eat, he was getting his nutrition by IV, I was in the middle of chemo and was bald, and we had attended a golf tournament that John was in that day and were going to a concert that John was playing in that evening. We weren’t used to big lavish celebrations for our anniversary. The only time we did something big was the year we went on the Delta Queen Steamboat cruise and to the Kentucky Derby. This year as I watched the Derby on TV, I was reminded of that. Had I been at home alone I might have cried.
Photo courtesy Richard Ohmart
We all have our strategies for dealing with the pain we’ve had in our lives. When we develop them they usually serve us well. May even create a way for us to shine. Then they let us down.
When we’ve been using those strategies instead of dealing with the feelings, we have about something whether it be grief, trauma, or something else they will catch up to us in the long run. Over the past five-and-a-half years I’ve learned much about letting go of the strategies and how the horses help.
If you’re ready to let go of your strategies connect with me here and we can talk about how the horses and I can help.
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Onward!
