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Hope Held by a Horse logoOn Saturday and Sunday, I coached at a Hope Held by a Horse breast cancer program. I know the participants get a lot out of this because Iā€™ve been one. The coaches and volunteers get a lot out of them as well.

horse and woman

Reinventing myself at a Hope Held by a Horse event. Photo by Ida Ridgeway

This weekend my client had ā€œas isā€ as one of her parts of self. This resonated with me. I struggle with being enough. Being smart enough. Being funny enough. Being fit and/or healthy enough. Doing enough. Being woman enough.

Am I woman enough? What does that mean? When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was told that I was one of the lucky ones because the extent of my surgery was my choice. I could either have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. They would both be effective for treatment.

horse jumping

Photo by J Bar D Studio

I had always thought that I had nursed my children and I was done with my breasts. They change my balance when I ride, and they get in the way. I thought I was done with them, and they were not needed anymore.

I was wrong. When I heard the doctor say those words, I didnā€™t immediately go to having a mastectomy.

In 2020 I did a class on working with transgender youth. One of the first things we did was a visualization about being in the shower, looking down, and not seeing the parts that determined our gender. I donā€™t remember much more of the visualization because I got stuck on my feelings about not having breasts and who would I be if I didnā€™t.

horse's eyeAs little girls, we canā€™t wait to get them. Itā€™s programmed into us. Itā€™s who we are. When can I start wearing a bra? So-and-soā€™s wearing one why canā€™t I? Itā€™s a right of passage.

Did I feel like I would be less of a woman if I didnā€™t have breasts? Was I enough without breasts? I donā€™t know because in the end had a lumpectomy.

Do you struggle with being enough as is? Would you like to explore your struggle? The horses and I can help. Connect with me here to learn more.

I am Good Enough as is!

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Onward!

Susan is a lifelong horsewoman, a Master Equine Gestaltist, an Equine Assisted PlayShop facilitator, a breast cancer survivor, a reluctant caregiver, a photographer, and a metal artist. She has a BA in Communications and works with doctors, caregivers, and patients through the Equine Gestalt Coaching MethodĀ®.