On Saturday and Sunday, I coached at a Hope Held by a Horse breast cancer program. I know the participants get a lot out of this because I’ve been one. The coaches and volunteers get a lot out of them as well.
Reinventing myself at a Hope Held by a Horse event. Photo by Ida Ridgeway
This weekend my client had “as is” as one of her parts of self. This resonated with me. I struggle with being enough. Being smart enough. Being funny enough. Being fit and/or healthy enough. Doing enough. Being woman enough.
Am I woman enough? What does that mean? When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was told that I was one of the lucky ones because the extent of my surgery was my choice. I could either have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. They would both be effective for treatment.
Photo by J Bar D Studio
I had always thought that I had nursed my children and I was done with my breasts. They change my balance when I ride, and they get in the way. I thought I was done with them, and they were not needed anymore.
I was wrong. When I heard the doctor say those words, I didn’t immediately go to having a mastectomy.
In 2020 I did a class on working with transgender youth. One of the first things we did was a visualization about being in the shower, looking down, and not seeing the parts that determined our gender. I don’t remember much more of the visualization because I got stuck on my feelings about not having breasts and who would I be if I didn’t.
As little girls, we can’t wait to get them. It’s programmed into us. It’s who we are. When can I start wearing a bra? So-and-so’s wearing one why can’t I? It’s a right of passage.
Did I feel like I would be less of a woman if I didn’t have breasts? Was I enough without breasts? I don’t know because in the end had a lumpectomy.
Do you struggle with being enough as is? Would you like to explore your struggle? The horses and I can help. Connect with me here to learn more.
I am Good Enough as is!
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Onward!
