Surrender – cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.
I’m having trouble with letting go of trying to manage situations. I have control only over myself, how I respond and what I do. Once I do what I can I have trouble surrendering the outcome.
I wonder “how” this will happen. I come up with different ideas on how it will come to be. It’s not for me to ask how. It’s for me to have a dream and release the hows.
I’ve known about wanting to control situations since I was a teenager. At that point, there is a lot that I couldn’t control. I did however find ways to manipulate situations when I wanted to. Not always in a good way.
When Mike and I were first married when I got into a “mood” he would disappear. This made me furious. How could he do that when I wanted to fight with him. These usually stemmed from him not meeting my expectations especially about honoring my time. He’d be out in the field and would want to finish what he was doing. I would be waiting at home to spend some time with him, and he wouldn’t show up. Then when he did, I let loose on him and he would retreat.
Funny I dated someone before him that I would do the same thing. He wanted to argue about something, and I would get quiet and not engage. It infuriated him as well.
As our children grew it became harder and harder to have control. They soon got too big for me to pick up and move easily. Once when John was three or four, we’d had lunch with my parents, and he wouldn’t get in his car seat to go home. I tried and tried to get him in it. Then I gave up and said we’d walk home. I started carrying him then when he got too heavy, I’d let him walk, then carry him and let him walk again. We got about halfway home and he said he’d get in his car seat if we’d go back. I told him no and we continued this until we got home.
When they got to be teenagers I had to let go even more. They were more mobile now; they could ride bikes or walk to friends’. Then they could drive. At some point, I had to hope that the values they had gotten from their dad and me were enough to keep them out of trouble. And if they did find trouble we often would step out of the way, help where we could while letting them handle their own situation.
As Mike’s health declined, I had to understand that he may not handle his illness the way I would have. There was nothing I could do about that. He was an adult and capable of making his own choices. Now it’s the same with our children.
What I’m struggling with is staying out of my own way. I have anxiety over “how” something is going to happen when in reality if I surrender it would work itself out.
Horses have a way of getting you to surrender. If you are too intense when asking them to do something they will resist. If you are distracted when working with them that has a way of bringing you back to the present.
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Anthem by Leonard Cohen.
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Onward!
