The sun came over the hills this morning a brilliant red. I could see the moon setting in my rearview mirror. I watched each with wonder as I drove to the hospital to see Mike.
This is a journey I’ve made many times. In the evenings I would retreat to my son’s apartment some 40 miles away to wake before sunrise so I would be back in time to see the doctors when they made rounds.
This was one of the ways I cared for myself during his illness. I’d go back and have dinner with Roderick if he was available which helped with our connection. Then sleep in a real bed to start the whole process again in the morning. At some point, I started having a glass of wine every evening as part of my retreat from the hospital.
Another way I took care of myself while Mike was in the hospital was to walk. Some of the floors had areas that were like walking tracks. I would put on my headphones and some music and go take a mile walk in the halls usually twice a day sometimes rather angrily. I saw one of Mike’s doctors when I was walking and when he came to Mike’s room, I told him if I didn’t get out and move someone would want to take me to Psych, Ortho, or both and neither was a place I wanted to be.
Then there was a day close to the end of a two-week hospital stay that included surgery when Mike had been particularly grumpy. I was going down to the gift shop to see if they had some dark chocolate and his surgeon stopped me in the lobby. He asked me how I was doing to which I answered that Mike was trying my patience. He then offered that when I got home, I should call some friends and go out. What he was saying was to take care of myself – to take myself out of the caregiver role for an evening and offering a way I might be able to do that.
As caregivers, well-meaning people often tell us to take care of ourselves. You can’t give from an empty cup. And they’re right. We know this and also understand the hold that caregiving has on us. Sometimes we feel trapped in the role and may lose our sense of self.
Caregivers need to set clear boundaries. One of my boundaries was I’m not staying all night at the hospital; I need a good night’s sleep and shower in the morning before I come back. I ate regular meals usually breakfast and lunch were in his room. Sometimes I would spend time with a friend outside the hospital. One day I even drove halfway back across the state to watch John’s sub-state scholar’s bowl tournament. Thankfully it wasn’t south and west of Oakley like it was every other year.
When we were at home Mike took care of himself a lot. I was always given the time to go feed my horses and he always made it so I could go to my Equine Gestalt Coaching trainings and meetings. These things were my saving grace. Together we went to a lot of John’s activities and if he didn’t go, he always made it so I could. Because family is so important to me these were the things I did to take care of myself. They may not have looked like taking care of myself to others. That’s how they felt to me.
If you’re a caregiver and feeling like you’ve lost yourself in the role connect with me to see how the horses and I can help you get to know yourself again.
Make every Sunrise Sunset count for you.
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Onward!
