It is a dark cold Monday morning in November. I returned from Gestalt Camp on Friday evening. I was tired when I got home so I stayed close to home all weekend.

My big piece of work at camp was around my diet. I had lost around 50 pounds after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The first 30 fell off without any effort from me even though I wasn’t sick or lost my appetite during treatment. The next 20 I worked on while in a study to see how weight loss affected the recurrence of breast cancer. Then I hit a plateau and didn’t lose any more for the last year I had my coach for the study.

Then the pandemic hit. I didn’t think it affected me much as my routine didn’t change. I tried to limit myself to getting out of the house once a week for horse feed and groceries. I went out to feed and spend time with the horses twice a day. All pretty normal.

After they lifted the stay-at-home order for the state, I was one of the first on the list for my stylist and massage therapist. These appointments were on the same day that I went to get horse feed and groceries. It’s more efficient that way.

Then I lost my dad. There would be no funeral.

In the fall of 2020, the outbreak hit here. Gove County, the county next to ours, had the highest rate of Covid per capita in the US. Two members of Mike’s family lost their life. Now it was hitting home.

Still, I wasn’t feeling the effects. I traveled to Oklahoma City for the World Championship Quarter Horse Show with a friend. We had a great time.

Mom had gone to Texas to stay with my brother and wasn’t here for the holidays. That was different but I thought I handled it well.

Spring came and I was able to get out more. I went to Hawaii. We had a service for dad. I helped move mom out of her house that she’d lived in for 50 years, and I went on a photography retreat in Montana. Life’s back to normal.

Now they’re starting to talk about a Delta variant. I noticed as I spent three weekends in Lawrence with John in August that the signs on businesses changed from saying if you were vaccinated you didn’t need to wear a mask to please wear a mask.

During the second weekend in October, I was talking to Charlie about doing something for Mikey’s third birthday. He had been sick the week before and now Jess wasn’t feeling well. He thought they had Covid. I told him the kids couldn’t come to stay with me the next week because I was supposed to go to the Hope Held By A Horse event the next weekend and I didn’t want to risk taking the virus there. He understood.

He called on Tuesday to tell me he had tested positive and even though the risk was minuscule I canceled going to Hope Held By A Horse that weekend. Then I had to be tested because I had an oncology appointment. It took two days to get my results, I was negative. Now I was feeling blue. I had been excited about the weekend plans. As I progressed through the weekend my anger built until it was raging inside of me like a bull.

Maybe the pandemic affected me more than I thought. In the almost year since I haven’t had the coach for the weight loss study, I’ve gained about 30 pounds back. I’ve quit getting on the scale and tracking calories. I’ve quit doing yoga and I’m driving to feed more than walking. I seem to not care what my weight is doing.

For me the weight is protection. Protection from getting what I deserve because I don’t feel worthy. I’m not worthy to have my thriving business. I’m not worthy to be in a new relationship. I’m not worthy of looking and feeling healthy.

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