This is a difficult time of year for me. My dad’s birthday was May 29. Grandpa died around May 30. Dad died June 11. Father’s Day falls in here somewhere. Mike died on June 28. And Mike’s birthday was July 6. Then in 2020, only 17 days after Dad’s death my first grandson was born. That’s my bonus.
I know grief will be with me for the rest of my life. Sometimes it will lie dormant like the grass in winter. Then like the thistles in the spring it rears its ugly head. When that happens, I’m able to sit with it. Feel it. It may paralyze me for a few moments and then I’m ready to move on with it knowing that it is ever present.
I’ve done Gestalt work around my grief. It is one of the best ways to move through it. This morning the words are not coming – I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to share a post I wrote previously.
Can Gestalt and Horses Really Help with Grief?
There I was in my pasture on the edge of town with my four mares. They were curious, I usually don’t come out at this time. It was a bright day in May. I could hear the cars and trucks as they went by on the highway. I had set up a time with another Equine Gestalt Coach to coach me through grief around Mike. I felt I needed to get through this because my dad was so sick, and I wanted it done before I had more grief.
Gestalt is in the moment, and we go where the moment takes us. I didn’t know how or if this was going to work to set up a grief piece and it was taking place over Zoom. We were in the middle of a pandemic so my coach, Daelyn, was in Colorado with her horses.
Exploring Anger and Resentment
The mares gathered around as Daelyn centered me and got me into my body. She started asking questions about Mike and our relationship. We were married when I was 22 years old and had been married for 32 years. Like most relationships ours had not been perfect, we had our share of strife. For a long time, I had been angry and resentful towards him because of the choices I made. It made for a lot of tension. Adding to that stress was what I’m sure was overwhelm and him not understanding me. I felt unheard. His way of dealing with the stress was to leave both physically and emotionally and I often followed his lead.
The Horses Supported Me
Because I often swallowed my words when we were married there were words getting caught in my throat. Sassy, one of my mares, put her head over my shoulder with her throatlatch next to mine. She was clearing the way for those words to come out.
After much time spent being unhappy, I had started to work on myself through some business training I was taking. I realized that the perfect man I thought I had wanted may not have been the perfect man for me. I almost certainly would not have had the chance to have horses the way I did had I not married Mike. And although our life together had many bumps, I was allowed to become who I am today by choosing to marry Mike and stay in Oakley.
At one point I had both Sassy and Mini backed up to me giving me strength in my foundation. I released my feelings of regret and apologized for spending much of our time together angry and resentful.
I am thankful for the life Mike and I had. We have three beautiful sons. I was able to live and find my passion. And I will always take with me the knowledge that even though he didn’t express it the way I expected Mike loved me, no matter what, as I do him. He is forever in my heart. When I was done with this the mares could feel that it was complete, and I was at peace, so they went further out in the pasture to graze.
Ongoing Grief and the Journey Forward
I know that I will grieve from now on, somedays will be harder than others. The feeling of having what’s on your heart listened to by the horses, the Gestaltist, and the Universe is freeing.
Sometimes we don’t see The Best Of Times when we’re in them.
If you have grief over anything; the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, the loss of your freedom, or from a divorce join us at Sunset Connections a weekly group, to see how Gestalt and the horses can help. Click the button below for more information and to register.
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Onward!
