- I recently found this. I wrote it 9/30/17 just before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s very long so I’m breaking it down into two posts.
As I started to listen to Brene Brown’s newest book, Braving the Wilderness, this morning I realized my story is much like hers. The characters and situations are very different, but the story is very similar.
I was born in a small town in western Kansas. My dad was a doctor fresh out of med school, my mom was young and already had 3 children, my two older brothers and me. My parents were some of the most liberal thinkers in the county which I think at that time had about 3000 people.
Talk about being displaced. A black footed ferret once thought to be extinct, now relocated to southern Logan County.
When I started pre-school, my mom went back to college. The pre-school she wanted me to attend was in a neighboring community that had a Junior College so since she was taking me over there, she thought she would attend classes as well.
When I was eight-years-old my dad’s medical partner died leaving him as the only physician in the county and on call 24/7. As my mom’s interests grew she started taking classes at a university that was 90 miles away. She continued going to school until I was in high school when she got a master’s degree in Communications.
As with all little girls I loved horses. But I didn’t just ride for fun, I started showing at five-years-old and that grew with intensity until I was in my late 20s. My grandfather had fostered a love of horses and competition and when he passed away and I was in my mid-20s I bought some of his racing bred Quarter Horse mares and started breeding them, racing, and selling them.
Trying to fit in can be like a winding road. Full of curves and very confusing.
I have never felt like I fit in. Our school district had two elementary schools and my parents sent me to the country school 10 miles away because they supposedly had the best teachers. When I was in the 6th grade and we were preparing to have the two public school classes and the private Catholic school class joined our first experience was to have a day where we came to the Junior High School with an orientation and cheerleading tryouts.
I tended to be on the chubby side as a child and when my friend, who had moved to the country school in 4th grade, got the call that she had made the cheerleading squad all I could do was be happy for her, I wasn’t chosen. Junior High was tough but I didn’t really feel like I didn’t fit in until I was in high school. In the 8th grade I slimmed down and developed a figure but I never felt like I wasn’t chubby.
At the end of my 8th-grade year, we could try out for the Sharpshooters drill team. I, of course, did because I wasn’t a cheerleader and didn’t even try for that in high school. I didn’t make the team. I wasn’t very good at volleyball so I didn’t go out for that. I hadn’t grown into the tall girl that our basketball coach thought would be his center when I got to high school like my brother had so I wasn’t very good at basketball. I wasn’t a good enough sprinter so the track coach put me in mid to long distances. If you aren’t an athlete in this small rural school you weren’t in the in crowd or so it seemed.
Susan and Reed Man pole bending at the Kansas State High School Rodeo
I did have a nice singing voice and enjoyed singing and was still dedicated to showing my horses. When I discovered High School Rodeo in the spring of my Freshman year I did that and never looked back. I was the only one in the school that rodeoed and often when I went in to have my form signed saying my grades were good enough for me to participate in rodeo the principal would say what if he wouldn’t sign it. I didn’t say it but thought you’d better or there will be hell to pay.
My oldest brother was very bright and for a long time, and maybe still does, had the highest ACT score to come from our high school. My grades were good but I didn’t shine the way he did in academics or the way my other brother did in athletics. I was just a chubby girl who liked to ride horses and sing.
I sometimes hung out with the popular crowd because I had at least gone to grade school with some of the girls. I hung out with every crowd at times because my parents had taught me to be kind and non-judgmental. I never felt like I fit in with any of them. I was happiest when I was with my horses.
Neither of my parents rode horses but they were very supportive of everything I did. Sometimes grandpa would take me to events. Dad would come to events when he could. I have some very good memories of travelling my parents and grandparents to horse shows or rodeos. Dad even took me to the State High School Rodeo after my Junior year when I competed in the Queen Contest because mom was doing intense classes at the University. The only mother who was a father at the Queen Contest Luncheon.
- To be continued next week.
A Hymn for all of those who don’t feel like they fit in.
Onward! On Fitting In, Part 2
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