- I recently found this. I wrote it 9/30/17 just before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s very long so I’m breaking it down into two posts. Read the first part here.
Charlie fishing in 2015.
When I went of college at Kansas State University because I felt the ag community there was more my style than Kansas University where my dad and older brother had gone, I soon found out that wasn’t the case. I didn’t fit in there either, not in the architecture program that I first started, not in the music program that I moved to after that, and not really in the animal science program that I spent my last semester in although had I not been in a bad relationship that I felt I needed to get out of that one might have worked.
So, I moved to grandpa’s farm where I could spend time with the horses. I worked at my dad’s office to help with the conversion to the computer system part-time, and I met my husband. He was a local farmer who like me didn’t really feel like he fit in where he went to high school in a neighboring, smaller town.
Roderick didn’t mind standing out. In a pink tuxedo for his Senior Prom.
As my mother did, I took some classes at the community college in the neighboring town, mostly ag business classes because I was marrying a farmer and I didn’t grow up on a farm. Even though I was only a couple years older than most of the students there I felt very old. Again, feeling as though I didn’t fit in.
After we were married, I wanted to help with the farm. My father-in-law would not have it. What did I know I had grown up in town? So, I moved on to more artistic endeavors and continued to ride and show my horses.
After about 4 years of marriage I had my first son, then a second three years later. I never did feel like I fit in with the other mothers. As I have come to find out I’m an introvert and I need time alone and don’t like small talk, no wonder I didn’t fit in. And I really didn’t think I wanted to stand out either.
I’ve had a very hard time feeling authentic. Who am I? I don’t fit in anywhere.
John with his saxophone.
Then I went back to the University that was 90 miles away. After about one-and-a-half years and losing our help my parents and I closed the small design/travel agency that we had, it was just too hard while I was going to school. I almost immediately got pregnant and my third son was born about six months before I graduated with a degree in Communications, 10 and 7 years younger than his brothers.
Again, I never felt like I fit in. I was a non-traditional student. School was the easiest part of my life right then. I had three sons and was driving 90 miles one-way to school. When I started, I was trying to keep a business open. I did not have anything in common with most of the students and didn’t have time to meet any that I might.
I feel my sons have grown up without fitting in as well. My oldest is brilliant but I feel like he couldn’t embrace his brilliance because he wanted to fit in and wasn’t an athlete. I feel like he felt the only way to fit in was by not letting his brilliance show. He is now living here and taking over some farm/ranch duties while working for a local farmer.
Why fit in when you were born to stand out? ~ Dr Seuss
My middle son was a mediocre athlete, he had enough stingers his sophomore year in football that he didn’t play his junior year but went back his senior year and just before the coach told me he was coming into being a good player he was hit hard and, thank God, wouldn’t go back to practice. He has since gone to Kansas University and I have hopes that he’s on his way to finding his place in life.
The youngest is a senior in high school here. He really feels like he doesn’t fit in with his classmates. He enjoys band, choir, and theater. He has run in Cross Country for the last three years, played golf, and swims competitively in the summer. I’m looking forward to his graduating and moving on to a University or College where he can find his tribe.
I struggle when I’m in town. My husband had developed several health issues and for five-and-a-half years I was a reluctant caregiver. I started learning the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method™ in January of 2016 and I have truly found my herd. I still have the feeling of not fitting in when I am in this small western Kansas town that I call home. I will continue to follow my path and I will shine knowing I fit in with my herdmates and I stand out when I’m at home.
Be Brave. Be authentic. Don’t be afraid to stand out.
Onward! Spinning Plates
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