As I see so many people post about “the empty chair” for the holidays I sometimes wonder if I’m doing this grieving thing wrong.
You see I feel at peace with my loss of Mike. I worry more about my boys than myself.
So why would something outside of me cause me to wonder? Because I’ve grown up trying to please people. Trying to fit in. Like so many people I want to be liked.
In my mind, I know that everyone grieves differently. I also know that I had done a lot of work around Mike’s illness in the last two and a half years. I believe this has helped me come to terms with his death.
Mike fishing at Clinton Lake.
Do I miss him? Immeasurably. We had been together for over 32 years. He was the one I chose to spend my time with. Were there struggles in those 32 years? Of course. Every time I see a picture of him it brings a smile to my heart. Looking back, I have no regrets.
So why does it matter what I perceive other people think? In truth, it doesn’t. And a big part of the answer is in it’s what I perceive others think. In reality, they are showing more about themselves or are trying to help. It comes back to that troll on my shoulder and my feelings of not being enough, not measuring up.
The other thing that has me questioning myself lately is when people ask me if I’m cancer free. Yes, I am. When were/are you going to be scanned? The doctors have said nothing about more scans besides a yearly mammogram, which I may be having as you read this.
Don’t cry because they’re gone. Smile because they were here.
Why should this bother me? Most of the people who ask have no knowledge that would make me think they know better than the doctors. But still, in the back of my mind, I have doubts. So, I will ask my doctors about it today.
That being said, last January I had the opportunity to be scanned to see if the cancer had metastasized. I turned that down because it would have prolonged the start or limited my treatment. I was determined that the treatment would take care of it.
Spending five and a half of the last six years seeing different doctors with Mike I am not afraid of asking difficult questions. I was so frustrated this past May that I got a lecture from one of them saying that they were frustrated by his case also. You see they are human.
We all live with some feelings of inadequacy. “We’re not enough.” In my case, it’s that I don’t know enough.
I only need to be enough for myself. It doesn’t matter what others think or what I perceive they think. I am enough. I must trust in myself enough to believe this.
I’m putting together a vision for 2019. Join me in defining values, looking back at 2018, looking forward to 2019, and celebrating and making a commitment to my vision. Click here for more info.
This Is Me and I’ll make no apologies.
Onward! I Beat It!
Make a Connection in the comments below.
