I wrote this as a follow up to The Truth About Caregiving then given the circumstances over the last few weeks I held it. (If you missed those you can read them here and here)
This Valentine’s Day has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I was confused about it because Mike and I didn’t have any sort of rituals around it. Then it dawned on me that for the last two years (and two years ago on Feb 14 was my first chemo treatment) John had played with the Colby Community College jazz band in a fundraiser for the Pioneer Memorial Library. I had done something on Valentine’s Day.
Caregiving for a loved one is emotionally and physically difficult on the caregiver. But what happens when that is finished?
Mike wouldn’t have been able to take this fishing trip to Lake Merritt if I wouldn’t have gone with him. Savor every moment with your loved ones.
The last piece of work I did at an Equine Gestalt Coaching Method® Core was around my mixed feelings about how I would feel when my job of caregiving for Mike would end.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster. You know that you will feel relief over not having to give up part of your life to care for them. But you feel guilty feeling that way.
For the last two and a half years of his life I had given up my work life. Not that I was fulfilled by my work, but I had something. This also gave me the time to focus on the Touched By A Horse Equine Gestalt Coaching® program which brought a lot of great things into my life. I’m very thankful that I found it.
In the fall of 2015 (when I was last on the City’s payroll) we made three trips to MD Anderson in Houston. The first one included a trip to KU Med in Kansas City and back and was three weeks. Then when we did come home there were trips to KU Med one with a two-week hospital stay. Needless to say, I used up all of my vacation, sick leave, a little over two weeks of sick leave that had been gifted to me by other employees, and still took some time off without pay.
Between each trip to Houston, there was a hospital stay at KU Med Center. When I was at work, I was constantly asking the people I was working with if I had been there for something and usually, I had. I didn’t know which way was up and taking on the responsibilities of another full-time job (as my job was to be combined with another) seemed impossible.
The road of a caregiver can be full of curves and bumps.
When Mike died, I stopped making as frequent medical trips although for the first two months I was still going to KU Med Center for radiation. Then I was distracted by John’s activities. Mike and I had been committed to going to as many of those as possible and now I was able to make them my top priority.
Funny thing is I missed those trips to Kansas City. I missed the doctors and nurses that we had come to know through his illness. They are very special to me and now I don’t see them. It left a huge hole.
I also missed that feeling of being needed. Needed to drive (even if Mike helped). The feeling of keeping all his appointments straight. The feeling of helping to understand what the doctors were saying. The feeling of helping him with whatever he needed.
Even after quitting my job I was still very busy. I had Mike, John’s activities, and my EGCM work that I was intent on getting completed in the two-year time frame. Alas, I had the biopsy a few days after I took my EGCM exam and with the results it was suggested that I take a little extra time to finish my certification.
To say I’ve felt a little lost for the last few months would be an understatement. I’ve never lived alone although I do enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want. There’s something missing.
To make it harder I’m starting a new business and that’s going very slowly. I’m finishing up some stuff that I didn’t complete while Mike was sick and that’s taking a lot of my time.
A western Kansas sunset.
I feel like I have had the best support around this with the people in the EGCM herd but finding myself is taking much longer than I hoped. That is very frustrating.
Wherever your journey takes you remember to be kind to yourself. Some things won’t go as planned. Some might get a bit out of control. The ride can be very bumpy. Take care of yourself, attend to any bruises you get, and enjoy what you can.
If you’d like to see how the horses and I can help you connect with me here.
Keep your eyes open for A Million Dreams.
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