When Your Brain Is Always on High Alert
When you’ve spent years being available for the next phone call, the next crisis, or the next decision, learning to slow down and be present in your own life can be harder than you might expect.
Always Available, Always On Call
A black-footed ferret once thought to be extinct, now relocated to southern Logan County.
Early in my caregiving journey, I had a full-time job that involved traveling around the state to tourism meetings. I loved that part of my job. I enjoyed getting out, meeting people, and being involved in communities across Kansas. And I always had my phone with me.
I learned early on to put the doctors’ numbers in as priority contacts so their calls would ring through even when my phone was in Do Not Disturb mode.
At one of the tourism meetings in Goodland, Mike’s pulmonologist called. I excused myself from the meeting and took the call. I was always a little amused when doctors would ask if it was a good time to talk. Of course, I was going to take their call. Otherwise, we’d be playing phone tag, and that wasn’t particularly helpful to anyone.
That particular day, he had test results and a medication change to discuss. I went back to the meeting, and my day continued.
Another day, while leading a discussion at our local tourism board meeting, another doctor called. This time, the message was different. We needed to get to KU Medical Center immediately.
Fortunately, my board members understood, and I was able to leave right away.
Then there was Mike to deal with.
He told me later that he didn’t understand the urgency. He wanted to finish mowing the yard.
It was a beautiful autumn day, and it was our son’s birthday. I left Mike to finish mowing and went to have dinner with my son and parents. He opened his presents, and then I went to pick Mike up so we could begin the five-hour drive to Kansas City.
That was caregiving. Plans could change in an instant, and being available wasn’t optional.
The only time I would turn my ringer completely off was when I was attending a school activity where having it ring would be disruptive. Fortunately, those activities were usually in the evenings.
I had become accustomed to being available. I didn’t necessarily think about it. It was simply what I did.
When Being on Call Becomes Your Normal
My dad was in Family Practice for 37 years; for many of those years he was the only doctor in the county.
Being constantly available can become a habit. One that’s surprisingly hard to break.
When you’re responsible for someone else’s well-being, you learn to anticipate what might happen next. You listen for the phone, watch for messages, remember appointments, track medications, and stay alert to changes that might require a decision.
Even when you’re doing something completely unrelated to caregiving, part of your attention remains somewhere else.
And that takes energy.
I now have a better understanding of what my dad experienced as the only doctor in our small rural community for many years. He couldn’t simply turn off doctor mode when he left his office or the hospital. Unless he was on vacation and away from town, he needed to be available.
Of course, this was before cell phones. He had to make sure his office and the hospital knew how to reach him when he wasn’t there.
His brain had learned to stay alert, too.
Caregivers develop that same kind of awareness. We become accustomed to listening, watching, anticipating, and responding. Eventually, that heightened state of alertness can feel so normal that we don’t recognize how much of ourselves we’re using to maintain it.
This is sometimes called caregiver hypervigilance. It’s the feeling that you always need to be prepared for something to happen.
And here’s the tricky part: Even when the immediate demands of caregiving change, your brain may not get the message.
Why It’s So Hard to Relax When Nothing Is Happening
When life is coming at you so fast, it can be difficult to relax even when nothing is happening.
You might finally have an afternoon without appointments or responsibilities, yet find yourself unable to settle down. You check your phone. You think about what needs to be done tomorrow. You wonder whether you’ve forgotten something.
You may even feel uncomfortable when there isn’t something demanding your attention.
When you’re operating this way, there’s little room to notice the small things around you. You don’t stop to notice the dirt on the floor, the changing colors of autumn, or the spice in your life.
You keep going despite all of it.
And sometimes, when the constant demands finally slow down, you discover that you don’t quite remember how to spend time doing something simply because you enjoy it.
You may have spent so much time being someone else’s caregiver that reconnecting with yourself feels unfamiliar.
That doesn’t mean you’ve lost yourself. It may mean you’ve spent a long time putting your own needs and interests somewhere further down the list.
Finding Small Ways to Reconnect
So how do we begin to recognize this pattern and reconnect with ourselves?
For me, slowing down, even for five minutes, can be helpful. It doesn’t have to involve a major life change or an elaborate self-care routine.
Some of the things I did involved music.
I had played in a local bell choir as a teenager. Later, I joined an adult bell choir and rediscovered something I enjoyed. I also sang in a ladies’ barbershop group until I started missing more rehearsals than I was attending.
Those experiences gave me something outside of caregiving to look forward to. They were opportunities to participate, create, and spend time with people doing something I enjoyed.
One of Mike’s surgeons gave me some advice while Mike was in the hospital after surgery. He told me that when I got home, I should go out with friends. Take a break.
It was a simple suggestion, but an important one.
Caregivers sometimes need permission to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with caregiving. We need to remember that we are more than the person who makes the phone calls, manages the appointments, and keeps everything moving.
Reconnecting doesn’t necessarily mean making big changes. It might mean listening to music, spending time with a friend, taking a walk, or finding something creative that brings you pleasure.
It might mean sitting quietly for five minutes without feeling obligated to accomplish anything.
The point isn’t to add another task to your already full schedule. It’s to begin noticing what brings you back to yourself.
Learning to Be Present Again
One of the challenges of living in a constant state of readiness is learning that you don’t have to respond to everything immediately.
Even after caregiving responsibilities change, you may find yourself reaching for your phone or anticipating the next interruption. Your attention may still be divided between what’s happening right now and what might happen next.
Recognizing that pattern is a starting point.
Give yourself opportunities to notice what’s happening around you. Pay attention to your surroundings, your breathing, and how you’re feeling. Notice when your mind moves toward the next thing that needs your attention.
You don’t have to judge yourself for it. Simply notice.
And if you find that slowing down feels uncomfortable, be curious about that, too.
Sometimes the hardest part of stepping away from constant responsibility is realizing just how long you’ve been carrying it.
You Are More Than Your Caregiving Role
Caregiving can change how we spend our time, how we make decisions, and how we see ourselves. It can also change how our minds and bodies respond to the world around us.
Learning to relax again isn’t necessarily an overnight process. It takes time to recognize the patterns we’ve developed and discover what life looks like when we’re not constantly waiting for the next phone call.
You don’t have to make up for lost time or suddenly fill your calendar with things you enjoy.
Start small. Find something that brings you energy. Make room for a little creativity, connection, or simply doing something because you want to.
And remember that you deserve to be part of your own life, too.
You don’t have to wait until everything is taken care of to begin reconnecting with yourself.
Let’s Find Connection Again
If you’ve spent so much time being available to everyone else that you’ve lost touch with what you need, you’re not alone.
That’s one of the reasons I created The Connected Caregiver, a free monthly virtual gathering for current and former caregivers. It’s a place to connect with others who understand the changes caregiving brings and to make room for conversations about life beyond the responsibilities we’ve carried.
You don’t have to navigate caregiving, its transitions, or the process of finding yourself again alone.
Join The Connected Caregiver by clicking the button below and give yourself an opportunity to connect with others while rediscovering the person behind the caregiving role.
Every story needs a soundtrack.
This is the one I’ve chosen for this post—sometimes because of the title, sometimes the lyrics, sometimes simply the feeling it stirs in me.
