​As my listening partner and I got further into the fear vs awareness question a few things came up.

Susan (Ohmart) Bloom & Carol Ann (Socolofsky) Ohmart win first place in Lead Line

I feel like our busyness is a way we avoid our fears. If we’re busy we don’t have to face those things that scare us the most. Going from one activity to the next is a great strategy not to deal with them. There’s no time.

As we are stuck in our homes that strategy is not working. We are faced with our fears in many ways. I think that is what is fueling the protests. It’s not that the economy won’t recover. It’s that we have been left to face our fears. We simply don’t have anything else to do.

We all have emotional stuff that comes up from time to time. It’s easy to stuff it down when we’re busy. Now that we don’t have any social activities it’s harder to keep those emotions down. We are emotional beings although most of us have been taught not to show our emotions.

Here’s what’s been coming up for me. I would like to move somewhere where I have my horses on the property and I can do my Equine Gestalt Coaching® business.

Susan and Reed Man pole bending at the Kansas State High School Rodeo

I’ve recently had many changes in my life. My husband passed away after five and a half years of fighting various diseases. At the end of that, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was in treatment when he died. This was right before our youngest son’s senior year in high school and the birth of our first granddaughter.

Why does this change scare me? I’m scared of being seen. I’m comfortable being the person I am here.

Change is always uncomfortable. Let’s look at the fear of being seen. In the past, I’ve struggled with my weight. I gained a lot of weight and even stopped showing horses and eventually riding.

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer and during chemo I lost about 20 pounds. Not because I was sick or lost my appetite, it just happened. Then I was put into a study on how weight loss and living healthier affect the recurrence of breast cancer.

From the time I was first weighed in to the time I had my first call with my coach, I lost another 12 pounds. Again, I was not trying, I was actually thinking I’d enjoy my freedom before I got into the study.

In November I had gotten to within three pounds of my goal weight which was a loss of 20 pounds and was looking forward to setting a new goal. Right after Thanksgiving, I went to visit my son in Texas for two weeks and I gained some of the weight back. Then we finished up the holidays and I thought I’d get back on track.

Susan and Zandy Parr jumping.

I haven’t. I’ve gained back about 10 pounds. Every time I lose a little, I gain a little more back. My life hasn’t changed that much. I was working from home already. I would go out and feed the horses twice a day, walking when the weather permitted, and I was doing yoga for 30 minutes with an instructor once a week and some easy stretching exercises on the other days.

Now I’m doing the yoga instructor’s online classes which are one hour long and three times a week. I haven’t ever done them three times a week but I have done more than I was doing before. I’m also don’t feel like I’ve taken in more calories than before.

So why the struggle? I remember before I was diagnosed thinking that I had gained the weight as protection. It kept me from being seen for who I am. Instead, I was seen as others perceived me.

On yesterday’s listening call I told my partner I want to be somewhere where I can be who I am instead of being who other people perceive me to be. I’ve always been the doctor’s daughter, so and so’s granddaughter, or someone’s little sister. I can’t remember a time when I was me. It’s time to stop living small and be who I was meant to be.

With Hoss at Bonanza Creek Ranch. Photo credit: June Voldseth

Are you living small? Are you the person you want to be?

If you’d like to explore those questions with me connect with me here.

Stop playing small – Let Me Be Myself.

Make a Connection in the comments below.

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