John playing golf.
Last week I was talking to a woman who lost her husband almost a year-and-a-half ago. He and his brothers went on a yearly golf outing and this year when the brothers went, they found a golf ball with a logo from where he worked in the rough. They said it was him smiling down on them while they golfed. She said it was good that no one was in her office when she heard this.
She also mentioned that someone had told her it had been long enough, and she should be over the grief. The three of us who were talking agreed that there would always be grief.
Later that night the third woman in the group tagged us in an article about how grief stays with you forever and other people shouldn’t judge how anyone grieves. There was some discussion on FaceBook around this and I posted a link to my feelings about grief.
It also reminded me of an article that I read several weeks ago. The writer said that a doctor had explained it this way.
Mike watching John at a golf tournament.
When we are grieving, we carry around a grief box that has a ball in it. Around the edges of the box are several pain buttons. When the ball touches a pain button it triggers grief. When we are first grieving the ball is huge and the slightest movement causes it to touch the pain buttons. So, it touches them often. As time goes by the box and the pain buttons remain the same but the ball gets smaller. So, it doesn’t touch the pain buttons as frequently. We never put the box down. We do, however, learn to keep the box steadier with time and the pain buttons get triggered less.
I might go on to add that the ball may vary in size depending on your circumstances. Right now, my ball is bigger because of first and lasts with John. John’s last vocal concert that was Monday night was a huge one. John’s last year of high school golf has also been one.
John singing Color My World in the spring vocal concert.
Mike loved to go to John’s golf tournaments, and he was relentless when it came to finding lost balls. I’m not nearly as good at finding them, and I often think if he were there it would be much easier. I’ve also asked Mike for help in finding them.
I’m sure this spring and summer will be sprinkled with events that cause the ball to push the pain buttons more frequently. I’ll get through them with the support of my friends and my horses.
If you’d like to see how the horses and I can help with grief? Contact me here.
Onward! Distractions
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